Welcome to Motherhood!

One month ago I officially became a mom. I'm a bonus mom to 2 great kids and I have had furry kids for 13 years but as much as I love all of my kids, there is nothing quite like the guilt, responsibility, and overwhelming love bestowed upon you with the title mother. My child has been in the hospital for the first month of her life, therefore the usual apprehension and worry of a new mother has been amplified. In general the nurses and physicians are amazing and give the best advice and have taken such great care of our little nugget. However, there are a few nurses who specialize in making you feel like you are going to ruin your child by the slightest mistake. Mistakes as treacherous as not putting close-up photos of our faces in her bassinet, rocking her in a chair at more than a 10 degree angle, and I handed her the wrong pacifier (why then would they give me an option?). Nurses, like Catholic mothers, specialize in making you feel bad with just a few words. They are subtle and explode in your mind later.

Yesterday after I had spent three hours holding, feeding, and staring at my adorable child I let the nurse know I was leaving and that she was waking up. I said I hated leaving her, especially since she was wide awake. The nurse said "well that is why you should have pictures for her that show your eyes". Did you know studies show that babies love eyes and respond well to them, especially when it is their parents? My response was not well why do you not have eyes printed on the blankets instead of tiny feet or mobiles of eyes to properly stimulate the children, even though the thought of them is really creepy. Instead I go stare at my child for 30  minutes with the widest eyes I can make. I feel very certain if someone could have seen my eyes they would have escorted me to the closest mental health facility or at least alerted Child Protective Services. I had to leave because I had things to do, but the nurses words kept echoing in my head. Maybe a more experienced mother could cope with constant mantra circulating in my head if you leave when your child is awake she will not be a full-functioning adult. I walked out with my head down and furious. Given that I had just overheard a doctor tell a mother to come to the unit to learn to take care of her child and I am there several times a day, I don't suck as a mother - yet.

Today I had the same nurse when I went into see my daughter. I had instant PTSD. Holy crap she's going to make me feel bad, I have a migraine and I am going to lose it. I haven't even done anything yet. I haven't wanted please anyone this much since my high school science teacher. Insecurity stinks and fortunately I am not often plagued with it but I was waiting for a complement on anything I did right. As I was leaving, she complemented my Tennessee Titans fleece. OK, I'll take it. Baby steps.